


the talk

by biremuslupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, james is annoying but i love him, the marauders are animagus, this was inspired by a tweet i thought was funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biremuslupin/pseuds/biremuslupin
Summary: harry learns the marauders are animagus
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 142





	the talk

**Author's Note:**

> this was fun to write enjoy xoxo

There comes a time in every young boy’s life when his parents sit him down to have “the talk.” By this point, of course, most young boys already  _ know _ what said talk is about, and avoid it like the plague, but it still happens nonetheless. 

Harry Potter is sat down, presumably to have this talk, the summer after his third year at Hogwarts. His parents tell him to wait at the kitchen table. He does so, staring at the slowly wilting flowers in their vase in front of him, leg bouncing under the table. 

He looks up at the sound of someone entering the living room via the floo network and what’s unmistakably Remus swearing. He tilts his chair back, back, back, to look into the living room and nearly falls, but grips the ends of the table before he crashes to the floor. 

Sirius stands next to Remus, brushing ash off Remus’ shoulder. Remus, unbothered by Sirius’ efforts, is in the middle of saying something about how he doesn’t understand  _ why we have to be here for this, James _ . 

James’ reply is cut off by the sound of someone else coming through the fireplace. Harry carefully tilts his chair further back to get a better view into the living room, where Peter is climbing out of the fireplace. Peter catches sight of Harry and smiles at him. 

Harry scrambles to fix his chair, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping. He crosses his arms atop the table and rests his head upon them, once more staring up at the flowers in front of him. He tries to listen in on his parents talking to their friends, but they’re quieter than Harry’s used to them being. 

This worries him. He’d figured they’d only be telling him about something he already knows, what with his mum’s being pregnant and all. Sure, it’ll be embarrassing, but he’d manage. Now, though, he’s not so sure. Surely, they wouldn’t feel the need to invite all of their friends over to teach Harry about sex. That’s just not something that happens. Ron said, when his parents had told him the year before, that they’d made sure all of his older brothers were out of earshot “to make sure they weren’t going to be dickheads about it.” Why would his parents do the opposite? 

Sirius is the first to enter the kitchen, dropping down into the seat next to Harry’s. “Hey, kid,” he says, ruffling Harry’s hair. 

Harry looks to Sirius, frowning. “Am I in trouble?” 

Sirius only laughs, making Harry more concerned. This is hardly a joking matter. 

“What’s so funny?” Remus asks. He rests his arms against the back of Sirius’ chair, and Sirius tilts his head up to look at Remus, still grinning at Harry’s question. 

“Harry’s worried he’s in trouble.”

“Why would we be here if you were in trouble?” Remus asks Harry. 

Harry shrugs. “Mum and dad are weird. Maybe they wanted to invite you all to watch.”

“We are  _ not _ weird!” James declares. He takes the seat opposite Sirius, and rests his hand atop Harry’s shoulder gently. “We just wanted to talk to you, that’s all. As a family.”

Harry wrinkles his nose at that. So it  _ is _ a sex talk. What the hell are his dad’s friends doing here? Trying to cover all the bases, in case Harry’s into boys? This is a nightmare. Harry slumps down in his chair, knocking his dad’s hand off his shoulder in doing so. 

“This is so weird,” Harry mutters. 

Lily and Peter take the final two seats at the table and Harry officially wants to fall through a hole in the floor. His mum is  _ laughing _ at his annoyance. It’s not funny. 

“Harry, we’ve been keeping something from you for quite some time now. It’s a...delicate subject, but we think you’re ready to hear it now,” James says. “Do you think you’re ready, son?”

“Oh, my  _ God _ , Dad, I know what sex is!” Harry says, glaring up at his father. 

The table erupts into laughter. 

“Oh, that’s not what this is about, Harry,” Lily says at the same time that James asks “You  _ do _ ?”

“Of course he does. You’re getting distracted, James, just spit it out,” Peter says from across the table. 

James lets out a sound of protest. 

Harry, now more confused than ever, is at a loss. If this isn’t  _ that _ sort of talk, then what sort of talk  _ is _ it? How many different talks  _ are _ there? 

“So, you know your Uncle Remus is a werewolf, yeah?” James asks. 

Harry rolls his eyes. Of course he does. Remus told him  _ ages _ ago. He reminds the group of such. 

“Right. Well, when we found out Remus was a werewolf, we—Sirius, Pete, and I—decided the next logical step would be to become animagus. So we could help him out, you know?” 

“Remind me why we’re here for this again,” Remus interjects. Sirius swats his hand, still resting on the back of his chair. 

“In case Harry has any questions about this,” Lily answers. “Harry?”

Harry looks from his dad, to Peter, to Sirius.  _ Animagus? _

_ “Animagus _ ?” 

“Oh, come now, Harry, don’t you pay attention in your lessons?” Remus asks. 

“No, I  _ do _ , I know what it  _ is,  _ but...you’re animagus? What animals do you turn into? Why are you acting like this is some big  _ secret?”  _ Harry shakes his head, as though clearing it. “So  _ weird.”  _

“Well, to be fair, it is sort of a secret. We aren’t...registered animagus,” James admits. 

Harry’s eyes widen at that. “That’s illegal!” 

“So is bringing a broom to school your first year and you managed to do that, mate,” James says to Harry. 

“Oh, please, James, it’s  _ your _ fault that’s a rule,” Peter cuts in. 

Harry turns back to his father. “That’s  _ your _ fault?” 

“We’re getting sidetracked,” James says with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

“Uh huh,” Harry says slowly. “So? Are you something cool, at least?”

“I’m a stag,” James says with a grin. 

“A  _ stag? _ ” Harry asks in disbelief. This is definitely  _ not _ the conversation Harry had thought he would be having. 

“I’m a dog,” Sirius adds. Remus snorts. 

“I’m a rat,” Peter says. “Which sounds lame at first, but is handy as hell, actually. Can fit into small spaces and all that, which is rather useful.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Pete,” Remus says, to which Peter responds by flipping him off. 

“Hey!” James says, nodding in Harry’s direction, as though his presence is evidence enough as to why that’s bad behavior. 

“I know what that means, too, Dad,” Harry says. He turns back to Peter. “Rats are cool,” he adds. 

“Thank you, Harry,” Peter replies. 

“I can turn into a  _ stag!  _ Do you know how cool stags are?” James asks indignantly. 

“Very cool. Can I go to my room now?” Harry asks. 

James lets out an unnecessarily loud sigh then waves vaguely. 

Harry takes that as a yes, standing from his seat at the kitchen table. 

“I think that went well!” He hears Peter say as he leaves. 


End file.
